Lynda Moore says the money conversation is about more than just dollars and cents - it’s about building trust, understanding, and a shared vision for the future

Let’s face it - talking about money with your partner isn’t exactly the most romantic topic. It’s a conversation that many couples put off, yet it’s one of the most important ones to have. Why? Because money touches everything in a relationship, from your daily decisions to your biggest dreams.

Speaking from personal experience, I know how avoiding talking about money can implode your relationship.  I make no apology for getting on my soapbox about this topic, as anecdotally, 70-80% of relationships that break up, blame it on money.

So get over yourselves and the awkward or intimidating feelings you may have and start getting comfortable with “the money talk” as this will strengthen your connection and set you up for success as a couple. So, how do you make it less stressful and more productive? Let’s break it down.

Why the money talk feels so hard? Because money is emotional. It’s tied to our upbringing, values, and even our sense of security. If you grew up in a household where money wasn’t openly discussed, you might not have a clear roadmap for how to bring it up in your relationship.

Add to that the fact that money is often seen as a taboo subject, and it’s no wonder we’d rather avoid it! But here’s the good news: starting the conversation doesn’t have to be scary.

When should you have the money talk?

The short answer? When you’re both in a good headspace. If you’ve had a long, stressful day or are running on empty, save it for another time. A productive money conversation requires energy, focus, and a sprinkle of patience.

Choose a relaxed moment - maybe on a weekend morning over coffee or during a peaceful walk in your favourite park. The more comfortable the setting, the easier it’ll be to have an open and honest conversation.

Here are a few pointers to help you navigate this tricky topic with ease:

1. Pick the right spot

Steer clear of distractions like phones, laptops, or a TV playing in the background. Head to a quiet park, a cozy café, or even your backyard - wherever you can both focus on each other.

2. Start with curiosity

Instead of jumping straight into budgets and spreadsheets, start by getting to know each other’s money mindset. Rather than ask direct questions about yourselves start with your family or early memories so you can get a feel on what money stories you are bringing into your relationship, start with gentle questions like:

• Can you remember your parents talking about money when you were growing up?
• Did you get pocket money?  Did you save it or spend it?
• Growing up, did you think money was plentiful, or did it feel tight?

These questions can spark an insightful (and surprisingly fun!) conversation. Think about stories and memories when you answer the questions.  “I remember when…” is a good way to gently start the conversation.

3. Keep it light

Money can feel like a heavy topic, so don’t pressure yourselves to figure everything out in one go. Break the conversation into smaller chunks, and revisit it as needed.  The “I remember when’ opener works well here too

4. Focus on your shared goals

Talking about money is easier when you frame it around your dreams as a couple. Are you saving for a house? A big trip? Retirement? Discussing your “why” helps you stay on the same page and gives purpose to the numbers.

5. Pause when things get heated

If the discussion starts to feel tense or goes in circles, take a breather. Hit pause, do something relaxing, and come back to it later. Sometimes, a little space is all you need to reset the tone. You can also use some of the communication techniques like repeating back to each other what you have just heard so you show you have understood.  Changing the way you communicate can change the outcome of the conversation.

6. Set some ground rules

Once you’ve had a good chat, lay down some guidelines to simplify future money decisions. For example:

• What’s the spending limit before you check in with each other?
• Will you keep separate or joint bank accounts—or a mix of both?
• Who will handle which parts of your finances (e.g., budgeting, paying bills)?

Money Personalities: understanding each other

Here’s a fun fact: everyone has a unique “money personality.” Some of us are natural savers, while others lean toward spending or taking risks. Often, couples have opposite approaches, which can lead to misunderstandings if left unaddressed.

For example, if one of you is all about saving for the future while the other prefers living in the moment, it’s easy to feel like you’re speaking different languages. Instead of seeing these differences as a problem, try to balance each other out. Your partner’s perspective might help you loosen up, while your strengths could bring more stability to their approach.

Want to uncover your money personalities and better understand each other? Take the Money Mentalist Money Personality Quiz! It’s a quick and insightful way to learn how you both approach finances, paving the way for more effective communication and teamwork.

Making the conversation a habit

Talking about money isn’t a one-time thing. It’s an ongoing dialogue that will evolve as your relationship and circumstances change. The more often you have these conversations, the easier and more natural they’ll become.

If you’re finding it tricky to navigate the money conversation, you’re not alone! Many couples benefit from working with a coach or mentor to get on the same page. A neutral third party can guide you through the process, offer fresh perspectives, and help you build a financial game plan that works for both of you.

At the end of the day, the money conversation is about more than just dollars and cents - it’s about building trust, understanding, and a shared vision for the future. Start small, stay curious, and remember: you’re a team.

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.