Elizabeth Davies on entering a phase of life where you start making big decisions, and they aren't all about you

By Elizabeth Davies

There comes a time in every young couple’s relationship where you have to start making some big decisions. For possibly the first time in your life it’s not just about you, or what you want. It’s about that person standing next to you as well.

For the first few years all of your decisions are comparatively easy. What movie do you want to go to? What should you buy him for his birthday? What’s your exit strategy and or panic signal when you need to escape an awkward conversation or a depressing social event? Though admittedly some decisions that should be easy become far too complicated, don’t ask me what I want for dinner at six on a Friday or my resulting indecision will likely make you want to rip off your own arm if only to club me to death with it.

As time goes on things start to get slightly more complicated. Where should we live? Should we flat or get a place of our own? Whose family should we spend Christmas with etc. etc.

Then one morning you wake up and stumble across the biggest decision you’ve made together so far. Whose career takes priority? I’m not suggesting one of you is thrown carelessly into the role of fifties housewife and told ‘your dreams don’t count’. But often there comes a time when an opportunity arises that means a fantastic job for one of you and a fresh start for the other.

I’ll be the first person to tell you that a good relationship needs to be a partnership based on equality. That being said you’ll never move forward together if you’re both pulling in opposite directions. I’m fortunate in that freelance journalism can be done from practically anywhere.

In my relationship my partner’s career is our main priority and in all likelihood I will relocate for him to get his ideal job. I’m often criticised for putting my career second in order to ensure my partner’s success. Many people have suggested we have a long distance relationship but we’ve done this before and no one can make you understand just how hard it is. Constantly being without someone is absolutely exhausting.

At this stage in my life and my relationship it stops being about being, what was once, healthily selfish, making a choice to do what you want and expecting your partner to either fall in line or fall behind. The future stops being a statement and starts being a conversation, a negotiation.

I’m beginning to realise my own personal priorities. My definition of success is happiness, positive mentality and fantastic relationships with the people I share my life with. For me personally, salary expectations and career progression don’t factor hugely.

A couple of months ago my partner and I opened our first joint bank account. It happened as a matter of convenience but looking back it was a huge matter of commitment. The biggest thing a couple can share, other than a child of course, is a bank account.

In a modern world opening a shared bank account defines the moment that life and finance stop beings about ‘you’ and starts being about ‘us’.

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Elizabeth Davies is a 24 year-old graduate of the Auckland University of Technology post graduate journalism course. She lives with her partner in Epsom and spends her free time refurbishing vintage furniture and attempting to bake while fighting a daily battle against her bank balance. She writes a weekly article for interest.co.nz on money matters and financial struggles from a young person's perspective.