Personal finance editor breaks up with her bank, again, with good intentions of following through and a wish for a sweet kiss off from Westpac

By Amanda Morrall

Dear George;

I know it's been a while since we last spoke. Well I guess that's a stretch, we never did talk, not really. I complained (a lot), you ignored me. It wasn't always that way; that was before you changed, or perhaps it was me.

Anyway, I have a confession. You remember when I dumped you, in the worst way possible, in front of a public audience? At  least it wasn't a text, I'm not that cold. Well, it wasn't a clean break. Don't get mad, it took me four and a half years to get out of my last relationship. The thing is, although I flirted with the other banks and allowed myself to be pursued, I didn't quite get around to leaving you. I have a hard time with goodbyes, plus I had some business to attend to. Now that I have loose ends tied up I feel I am well and truly over you and ready to move on.

But it's not me, it really is you. 

When I read today that your bank profits have soared, 41% in the year to September 30 and you didn't do me or your 1.26 million customers the courtesy of sharing the bounty, well I spit the dummy --- all over again.

I expect you'll be delighted about how well business is going and congratulate your hard working employees for their efforts in helping to achieve those impressive margins. I imagine you and fellow high paid senior executives will be in store for some juicy bonuses, a reward for riding out the economic storm in such a stalwart manner. 

But I wonder George, where's your heart?

Will Westpac employees working at the coalface be as handsomely remunerated as yourself? I know you have some good people working for you, so surely you'll be sharing the joy with the one's whose names escape you.

Also, as New Zealand's NZ$6 million man, I trust that when you are popping the champagne corks, you'll be thinking of Christchurch and all the hardship they've endured over the course of the last tumultuous 12 months. I know you've done some things to help Christchurch through the likes of the Westpac Business and Community Hub, but perhaps, in the merriment of the occasion, you'll sit down and write a big fat cheque to help fast track the rebuild of some facilities for the local children, whose libraries, swimming pools and recreational centres have been permanently closed.

Finally, when you're doing pirouettes at this year's Christmas party, I hope you'll remember me and some of the better times we enjoyed, when your bloated salary and my social conscience didn't clash over corporate profits.

In light of our long-standing relationship (it would have been five years in January) I thought perhaps you might see it in your heart to let me go with an alimony of sorts.

I know these are tough times, and they look to be getting worse in the years ahead, so I don't want to be greedy. I can appreciate that NZ$6 million doesn't buy you what it used to. I know my NZ$60 doesn't go far at the New World.

I was thinking maybe some of the following options might appeal.

a) As a parting gift, you could put me through school. I know Westpac is sponsoring a new personal finance programme at Massey University. You'll remember I am a lowly financial journalist (a working single mother no less) and I thought maybe, just maybe, being certified by your programme would further my career, and help me in my goal of becoming financially independent and also helping others navigate and better understand the complexities of the modern financial system.

b) You would reimburse me for fees paid over the past few years. I know they've been modest but it would mean a lot to me.

c) You could give me a job in your new good corporate governance department. If not that, then perhaps a position running your new banking division for women. We're great savers us gals and I understand what women want from their bank.

d) Possibly you could get me a date with one of your handsomely paid colleagues, preferably one that isn't married and one who has stock options. I can see you shaking your head. I knew you would. Well just so you know, I have my eye on someone with the competition. Someone with with a heart and a soul (I hope.)

So long George. It was swell while it lasted.

P.S.

I realise this has been an uncharacteristically negative email. Just to end on a positive note; I like what you've done with your website. If I could make one suggestion, it is that you add a money tracking device that helps alert your customers to their spending patterns.  Pays to check out what the competition is up to aside from interest rates. 

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