January is when many call an end to a long-term personal relationship. Lynda Moore has seven things to consider if you too are contemplating this major change

We are halfway through January already!

What kind of break (if you were lucky enough to have one) did you have?

Was it the action-packed go, go go, break where you packed up the family and headed away somewhere and did lots of activities and caught up with lots of friends and didn’t get a lot of sleep?

Or the more laid-back chill out kind of break, probably an easier option for those of us who don’t have children to entertain, where you relaxed, didn’t really have many plans, looked out the window and depending on what the weather was doing, you decided how to spend your day.

That was my break, there was a lot of ‘me’ time, a lot of relaxing, going for walks with my girlfriends and/or Jett and generally just making the most of the break to refresh and recharge the batteries ready for heading back to work.

There will be some of you who have come back from the holiday break with another plan. That plan is to end your relationship.

The holidays can be a time when cracks in your relationship just get too much. You may have been thinking about it for a little while, but don’t want to ‘ruin’ Christmas for your children or family, so you do it one more time. But deep down you know you can’t do it again. So, New Year, New You, New Life is your New Year's resolution.

This is why January is break up month for marriages and longer-term relationships. Family lawyers (not only here in NZ, but overseas as well) have a surge in new clients at this time of year.

Before you utter those words: This relationship is over! and storm out the door to see if the grass is really greener on the other side, here are 7 key points to consider.

1. Is this relationship really over? Have you done everything you can to try and work through your issues and try to reconnect? Yes, there are some situations that there is no going back from, but in many cases, counselling can really make a difference.

2. Take a financial reality check. If you are the leaver review your financial situation before you pack your bags. There is no guarantee that you will enjoy the same lifestyle once you leave the relationship. Are you in a position financially to set up your own home and support yourself? Or you may find yourself having to support two homes. If you are the one being left, then getting on top of your finances as quickly as possible is crucial. There is a tendency for you to want life to carry on as usual while you deal with the hurt, but that may just not be possible from a financial perspective.

3. The relationship is over, but the financial connections can take much longer to sort out. You need to know what you own, what you owe, and where you are joined at the hip. If you have joint bank accounts, are you going to continue to contribute to them to pay joint bills? What about credit cards and utilities who is taking responsibility for paying them?  Yes, you are jointly responsible, but the last thing you want is your ex-partner clearing out joint accounts or racking up credit card bills that you have to pay.

4. If you own a home together who is going to stay and who is going to leave? If you stay, can you continue to pay the mortgage? Selling the home is a huge decision and not made lightly, particularly if there are children involved as you want to give them as much stability as you can. But there is no point in hanging onto the house for grim death, if you can’t afford to live in it, pay all the bills and still put food on the table. Research and take advice from both the real estate and financial perspective and work out from a non-emotive point of view what is going to be best for you.

5. If you have been a stay-at-home parent, you may be entitled to spousal maintenance (alimony), but this isn’t designed to keep you for the rest of your life. Re-entering the workforce and starting to forge your own career is a reality you need to come to terms with and plan for. There are plenty of HR and career advisers only too willing to offer advice and support about retraining and getting back to work.

6. You have made the decision that the relationship is over, there is no going back. Before you leave is the time to seek advice from a specialist. You don’t know what you don’t know, and it is best to find out what the likely path is before you take it.  If you are on the receiving end and have been left, getting advice as soon as possible is really important for you as well.  You need to know what you are entitled to and what the process is. You don’t need to seek legal advice straight away, there are other options like a good divorce coach who can help you navigate the process and understand what steps you need to take and when. 

7. The relationship is over, and you have moved on to your new life. Don’t take your baggage with you, either personal or financial. As Joel Osteen said, the problem with going from an old relationship to a new, is you take yourself with you!

Before you make any big changes, take a step back and give yourself just a bit more time to make sure that you are making the right decision. Talk to a trusted friend, go and see a divorce coach, or a relationship counsellor (ideally with your partner).  Your future self will thank you for taking the extra time to work through the process.

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.