I was attending a networking event and as often happens when I am asked what I do, and I explain one of my hats is a money mentor who helps couples with their relationship with money (and each other), invariably a story comes out about a friend of a friend who could use my help. I listened with interest to this one.
The ‘friend’ married a woman who had, at the time, two teenage boys. He has no children. The relationship got through the teenage years and the whole stepdad thing. But the relationship is really struggling now; 20 years later. My interest was certainly piqued, and I asked why? Well, it seems the teenagers, now in their 30’s haven’t quite got around to leaving home yet. It’s almost got to the point of ‘it’s them or me!’
I don’t know this family, so I can’t comment on why they haven’t left home, or why it’s causing so much conflict now, so I am only speculating. Maybe stepdad thought he was going to be in this role for 5 years and then he and his wife could enjoy their lives together child free. Maybe the boys aren’t paying their way, and it’s starting to become a financial challenge.
This got me thinking about a term I came across a few years ago, called the sandwich generation. The idea of the sandwich generation emerged in the 1980s, initially focused on women in their 30s and 40s caring for young children while supporting elderly parents.
I decided to revisit the concept of the sandwich generation and found a very interesting article in The Washington Post that describes the sandwich generation as more of a Panini, there’s stuff oozing out the sides as those in this situation find themselves juggling elderly relatives, supporting adult children and helping out with grandchildren as well.
Today, it appears the term applies more broadly and doesn’t fit nicely into a particular age range. It’s anyone who is caring for (financially, emotionally and physically) both a younger and older loved one, or more.
I couldn’t help but add my own food analogy to the situation that mum and I are in, I think we’re more of a canape. We’ve decided to pool resources, and purchase a property that suits us both, we are both very independent with our own homes (once mine gets built that is!) but should anything happen in the future we are there for each other. I think more families are opting for this kind of living, the concept of the ‘granny flat’ is alive and well. And if granny (or grandad) is still fit an active, then a spot of grandchildren minding comes in handy too.
Several social changes have made life more complex for the sandwich generation. We’re living longer, having children later, and facing higher costs of living. Many parents find themselves financing young adult children, who might still be living at home, or returning adult children who want to save for a home of their own, or just can’t make ends meet flatting. In addition to this they are also contributing to the care of aging parents who may not be in a position meet their own needs through illness or lack of finances.
The old safety nets - like lifelong careers with pensions - are no longer guaranteed, leaving more people responsible for their own retirement planning. Without a solid financial plan, caregivers can quickly feel overwhelmed and financially stuck. Just when you think it’s time to slow down and start to enjoy life, you aren’t able to as you are busier than ever, looking after everyone else!
That’s the theory, but how does this work in practice for families who find themselves in this situation and how do they cope?
That’s what I would like to know. I could give you more theory and some tips on how to manage life as a sandwich family, but I’m not. Instead, I would love to hear from you in the comments, whether you are the filling, or on either side of the filling, what’s it like for you and your family?
What are you learning about each other? How do you communicate about finances? What boundaries and support do you have in place for the caregiver, so they don’t run out of steam.
What are the meaningful moments, those little nuggets of joy that keep you going when the going gets tough?
By sharing your stories, you can help others who may be heading down that pathway avoid some of the difficulties that you may have encountered.
*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.
8 Comments
A high proportion of relatives living in Auckland with adult working age children (aged under 30) still have those children living at the parents house. They do not have children yet.
How much of this is a social consequence of the lack of affordability of housing in Auckland?
Note: quite a high proportion of those adult age working children living at the parent's house continue to live rent free.
Look at this news report out of Australia. Could see this scenario playing out in NZ also.
"quite a high proportion of those adult age working children living at the parent's house continue to live rent free. "
I wonder how many of those are living it up and not saving. Would require the parents to poke their noses into children's financial affairs and doubt if many have the stomach to do that.
Friends parents usually charged something nominal, $200/week or so. This provided incentive to look elsewhere, save more for a home etc. And in almost every case the parents gave the amount back or more to help fund towards the house deposit for their kid.
I feel like not charging anything will only lead to further dependence. You're trying to set them up without letting them get behind right.
One of the (few) benefits of getting older is wisdom. I love having the kids at home and would be delighted for them to stay as long as they want. A wise person once said to me that all the things they do that bugs the hell out of you now you will miss dearly when they are gone and the house is quiet.
I am fortunate that this works for us due to travel and a second place to go to, but I never take it for granted.
We've had both ends of this situation with only a small overlap, thank goodness. The looking after & finally nursing of my own father was bloody hard work. He was a stubborn human being with a very strong will, until the last day, unfortunately. We also have a family business which binds us all together which is mostly okay, until it isn't. There are things we have to leave to those responsible, as not everyone is keen for our wisdom when offered. If you think making mistakes is hard work, wait til you see your children repeat them. We also have in-law issues which we avoid like the plague but that's not to say we can't all get on with each other when we have to. For me the family is one of the Five F's [fingers] which govern my life. For all our shortcomings, & they are many, we are better together than broken apart & I wish that were so for all New Zealand families.
While not a full time thing so perhaps not what you're after but we've had kids with kids stay for months at a time three times over the years. They were between houses and having a place to stay while looking and working was of huge benefit.
We were pretty worried first time as we had been by ourselves for almost ten years but it was great. Hardest part was not wanting them to go completely nuts trying to do everything. Rather than rent they basically cooked most meals and bought most groceries and that seemed to work.
Due to a nasty injury and it's circumstances it's likely to happen again for some months. Looking forward to it .
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